


Three Strikes, You're Out

by DarkEyedDreamer



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, But not quite, Drinking, I don't know if that's triggering, M/M, Phil thinks Dan's self harming at one point, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Unrequited Love, but he's not, cuts it really close though, hints of sex, or so you think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-17
Updated: 2015-10-17
Packaged: 2018-04-26 17:35:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5013751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkEyedDreamer/pseuds/DarkEyedDreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan doesn’t believe in love. Never did. Love was a gamble and he didn’t want to be left with nothing but a scar. When he met his college roommate, Phil Lester, things change. Phil Lester, the boy with two marks against him. The one who falls fast and hard. The one who Dan is sure this new tally mark is for... (AU where whenever you fall in love you get a tally mark on your wrist)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three Strikes, You're Out

Love  
noun  
1.  
an intense feeling of deep affection.  
Nonexistent.

To Dan Howell, it was like a movie, but not the good kind. Moving across the country and being all alone for the first time in his 18 year old life sounded like the perfect setup for some kind of over-the-top romantic comedy. The only problem being that Dan never had been up to that sort of thing. Love didn't exist, it was just something people clung to when everything else was bleak and they needed something to hold them together for just a little while longer. They thought things like that could last, but Dan was smart. He'd known from a young age that even if you clung to something, that didn't mean it would stay. If something was meant to fall apart it would, no matter how tightly you held on to the pieces. He'd seen it happen before, when what was proclaimed as love fell short of the mark (no pun intended) and the person wound up with nothing more than a tormented memory forever scarred on their wrist. When the love was gone, what was that mark for other than a cruel reminder of what could have happened?

It was for this reason that public places were like a romantic movie reject, and Dan stayed away from them as much as possible. People scurrying around with their hearts literally on their sleeve. Or their wrist, at least. Currently, Dan was sitting in a Starbucks watching with vague disinterest. Each time a person caught his gaze, their eyes immediately flickered to his wrists.

Unlike a lot of people, Dan's dislike of the system of love hadn't come from personal experience, but from watching others. His own wrist was plain, not yet marred by the world's both cruel and breathtaking system. Dan hoped they never would be. He didn't want to deal with the horror that was romance. Still, the look of pity some people gave him had him tugging his jacket sleeves down further in mild embarrassment, like he was something weird and wrong. What were they pitying him for? He was the one who should feel bad for them. They were the ones who had to go through heartbreak and hell on earth. Why was he the one who got all the sad looks? He'd lived his life in peace away from all that. Wasn't that a good thing?

He caught sight of a woman looking at him, her hair graying from age and a look of sorrow that looked like it was forever burned in her green eyes and the wrinkles on her face when made her face seem to be etched into a permanent frown. His eyes fell on her wrist instinctively, and through her short sleeves he could plainly see four lines on her wrist, all of them scarred. Dan should feel sorry for her. It shouldn't be the other way around. All the people she'd ever loved were dead. Sure, she might have friends, family. But that feeling of love Dan despised so much, all the people who gave her butterflies, all the people who she thought about at three in the morning, the people she clung to and wanted to hold when she felt alone. They were all dead and gone. He was spared all that, so why was everyone looking at him like he was the freak?

Unable to sit still now that he felt like everyone was staring at him, judging him, he got up from his seat all too quickly, nearly bumping into someone (one mark, red. Poor guy was in love with someone who didn't love him back- and yet Dan was the freak?) He muttered an apology, throwing the remnants of his coffee into the trash bin as he pushed out of the store and made his way back to his University dorm. He still had a lot of unpacking to do and suddenly, he wanted nothing more than to take shelter in his room and just forget the entire world existed for a while.

When he opened his door, he expected to be met with the coldness of his dorm- bare from the fact he hadn't gotten around to putting up any posters and things yet. What he didn't expect, was to find a pair of stunning blue eyes looking back at him. For a moment, he was taken aback, thinking maybe he accidentally walked into the wrong room, which would have been just his luck considering how socially awkward he was around... well everyone. But that didn't make sense since he unlocked the door with his key. It took him an embarrassing amount of time to realize what had happened and who was sitting on the previously unoccupied bed. Oh right, his new roommate. Dan had almost forgotten the other male was expected to show up today. Or at all, quite frankly. Lately his mind was too filled with distractions to even focus on what was going on.

The new addition to his room was gorgeous, even at a glance. More so when Dan actually got a decent look at him without wondering how he got there. Those amazing blue eyes he had noted before came with a bright smile that the brunet was currently having the pleasure of seeing full-force. His hair was styled similarly to Dan's own, but the hair was colored a jet black that he was sure had only ever seen on dye boxes and not on real people. He was wearing a red jumper, which was definitely his color and... Dan blinked, snapping himself out of the one-sided staring contest he was having with his new roommate. Way to start things off smoothly, he mentally scolded himself.

"Hi, I'm Dan." He informed the other boy with a small smile of his own, but one that didn't quite match the volume of the boy's in front of him. "You must be-" Dan paused, trying to think of the name that had been on the registry. He hadn't really been paying much attention. Now that he realized how attractive the stranger was, he regretted that lack of focus immensely. "Phil."

Phil's hair bounced a little when he nodded, and for some reason the motion seemed all too adorable. Dan nearly rolled his eyes, but stopped himself. He needed to stop thinking like that. The male in front of him was indeed attractive, but that was the end of it. They were roommates, nothing but. Dan shouldn't have been as disappointed as he was with the reminder. Since when did he think about things like that?

"That's me. You're my new roommate?" He asked, jumping up from his place on the bed and holding out his hand for Dan to shake, and damn if that wasn't weird to the brown eyed male. Who even shook hands anymore? Other than CEO's and fathers before dates, that was.

Nonetheless, Dan accepted the gesture, looking down and realizing the motion had raised the sleeve of Phil's jumper, exposing his wrist. Dan didn't mean to stare, really. He hated it when people looked at his own wrist. It was different when a stranger did it, everyone did that. It was like an instinct ground into you from the time you entered school and learned what the marks meant. But when having an actual conversation with someone, he was always taught it was rude to gather their love life information from their wrist instead of their mouth. One problem with having your heart written out on your sleeve was that it made it particularly hard to hide things from people.

Like, for instance, that Phil's first love had died. The tiny little scar that marked his arm had never before looked so sad to Dan. He thought about all the time and commitment that must have gone into the relationship. All the love and affection and three in the morning phone calls, not caring about how tired they were going to be in the morning. The kisses and hugs when they needed it or even just when they wanted to, and all that was left was a thin scarred line to be reminded of all that time they spent together. Well that, and the memories, he supposed. But memories weren't always the best thing if you were trying to stay happy. Memories like that also included tombstones and funerals.

Phil's second love, was unrequited. The small red line he sported just below the first exposed the secret. Wasn't the symbol for love red? Wasn't that the color children drew on their papers when making little hearts on valentines day? And yet, the red mark was the symbol of pain when written on your wrist. The red line was what Dan feared the most. He hated the idea of love. He didn't believe it could heal your pain or that it even existed, really. But the idea of loving someone and them not loving you back was genuinely a scary thought to him. Had it not been for the slash through the line that signaled he no longer felt love for that person, Dan would have apologized to him. Somehow, he didn't think his new roommate would appreciate the pity. Not many people he'd met did.

"Do you want to play Sonic?" He asked instead, tearing his gaze away from Phil's wrist to look into his eyes. He hoped the other male wasn't annoyed he'd been staring. He couldn't help himself sometimes.

The smile on Phil's face answered Dan for him. "I'd love to." He replied happily, moving over to the small couch assigned into every room. It was old, and the color was a worrying shade of off-beige that made it look constantly dirty even if you actually cleaned it, which Dan definitely did not. Phil didn't seem to mind it though, too busy waiting for him to turn on the game so they could play.

So he did. The two ended up playing the game for hours, with Dan whooping in victory each time he won, and throwing the controller each time Phil got him killed by making some weird animal noise or telling him facts he didn't need- or want- to know at this point in time. He was doing it on purpose, and Dan knew it, but he knew he'd be much less angry when he won the game anyway. "Ha! Take that Phil!"

"Lets do something else." Phil declared a while later, and Dan looked over to see the sleep beginning to take over Phil's eyes. He was curled up a bit, a pillow resting between his knees and stomach, and he was half leaning on his knees, looking at the TV with eyes that didn't seem to quite see it. How long had they been playing? Dan looked on his phone to check the time. It was just past two in the morning, and Dan had to take the time to remind himself that normal people actually went to bed at decent times and didn't play video games until daylight was poking in through the window.

Dan smiled, turning off the game. "Do you want to watch something? You look ready to fall asleep anyway." He offered. He almost handed the remote to him, but realized there was a pretty good chance the older boy would fall asleep before he even chose a show and then Dan would be stuck with nothing to do. Unless he got up and got his computer, but he was feeling too lazy to do that right now so TV was his distraction of choice for the evening.

Phil nodded in agreement, so Buffy the Vampire Slayer it was. "You're amazing." Phil declared when he saw Dan choosing it, looking over at the brown haired male and giving him a soft smile.

Dan laughed. "Not as amazing as you, Phil." He replied casually, dropping the remote to the floor and laying out on the couch the best he could without kicking his new-found friend in the ribs.

Phil shifted a bit, so he was all but laying on Dan's legs. It should have been uncomfortable, both for Dan and Phil, but Dan didn't feel anything really, and Phil would have moved if he had, so it seemed to be fine. For a moment, he caught brilliant blue eyes looking at his wrist, and Dan wondered what he was thinking about it. Was he glad Dan never went through the same things he did? Or did he feel the same overwhelming pity that everyone else seemed to feel for him? Dan hoped it was the former.

"So, you've never been in love before?" Phil asked, and he sounded more curious than anything, so Dan was still unsure as to whether Phil thought that it was good or bad, but he shook his head either way. No getting around the truth this time.

"Nope." Dan replied carelessly. Usually, he ended all questions there, but something about the curious look in Phil's eyes made Dan continue. "I don't believe in love, not really." He explained, and that seemed to get the older boys attention.

"You don't believe in love?" He echoed, sounding like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Like maybe Dan was playing a joke on him or something.

Dan simply shrugged. "People get themselves hurt over it and they still look forward to it happening again, it's a cruel joke. I hate it." He declared, putting an arm behind his head so he could better look at his friend while he waited for a response.

Phil smiled, and Dan couldn't help but notice the way it made his tongue stick out in the corner. Which was totally not cute at all. Nope. "So you do believe in it."

Dan raised an eyebrow. Was this guy deaf or something? Had Phil hit his head and gotten short term memory loss while they were playing Sonic? That would explain why he was suddenly so tired... damn why did he immediately think something was physically wrong with someone when they did something weird? Not everyone had serious health risks. He needed to stop going on Web MD at four in the morning. It was beginning to be unhealthy.

"What do you mean?" He asked, deciding to let Phil speak his mind before taking him to the A&E for a trauma he probably didn't even have. That would be fun to explain to the doctors.

"Well, you can't hate something and not believe in it at the same time." Phil told him thoughtfully, his voice gentle like he was a preschool teacher. "So, if you hate love, then you have to believe in it."

The comment made oddly too much sense for comfort, and Dan didn't really want to think about it that way. If he hated it, then it had to be real. You couldn't hate something that didn't exist. Because if it didn't exist then there was nothing to hate. So... that meant he really did believe in love? He just didn't like it. He bit his inner cheek thoughtfully. At this point, he pretty much wished Phil had just had a concussion and not some words of wisdom to pass out.

"Yeah, I guess." He replied uncertainly, his eyebrows furrowing in mild confusion. He didn't think he liked the revelation the older boy was giving him. If he believed in love that meant he could be prone to falling in it.

Phil chuckled softly, almost like he was amused by something Dan had said, or like he was a little kid who had done something so obviously stupid. It made him blush, ducking his head in embarrassment although he wasn't sure what he had done. All he knew was that whatever it was Phil thought it was stupid.

"Don't look so worried Dan. Love really isn't all that bad." Phil declared, giving him a small smile of reassurance. Dan's eyes flickered down to Phil's wrist once more, not really meaning to, but just instinctively.

He really didn't think Phil was a good example of love being great. "Yeah- I can see that from your wonderful experiences." He snorted softly, not meaning that to sound as mean as it came out.

Phil didn't so much as flinch, but Dan did. He couldn't believe he'd said that. That was awful of him! "I don't regret it. Maybe the second one, since it was more one sided than anything, but real love is wonderful, and pretty, and great. I don't regret it at all." He confessed.

"But-" Dan cut himself off. He wasn't going to ask. He wasn't going down this road by asking what happened to Phil's first love. The scar. The love that ended with a funeral.

Despite the small amount of panic Dan was feeling Phil must not have realized what he was going to ask, because he didn't tense up. He didn't start crying, he didn't even stop smiling. All of which Dan was happy for. He felt a little sick at the thought of making Phil cry by bringing up what happened to the first love of Phil's life. The one he didn't regret. Dan didn't want to point out that he should regret it. That it didn't go anywhere and that Phil was still alone despite all that love. Dan was a cynic, but even he wasn't going to hurt somebody by saying that their love was all for nothing. If Phil wanted to believe that this was all for a higher purpose and that he shouldn't regret a love just because it didn't end the way he was hoping, then Dan definitely wasn't going to tell him any differently. Hell no.

Instead, Dan mustered up the nicest smile he could and whispered, "Yeah, I'm sure it is."

-

Two months passed and the two males found themselves falling into a pattern. Despite what happened that first night, Phil didn't further push the idea of love onto Dan. He didn't try setting him up on blind dates (unlike some people he knew...) and he didn't even mention the topic. Dan, in turn, made sure to watch his mouth when it came to the little lines on Phil's wrists, and things went just fine- even if as the days passed Dan realized he was becoming more curious about his blue eyed roommates first love, the one that ended with a tiny white scar. He wanted to ask, but refrained any time the conversation even had an opening for Dan to begin questioning the older male about it. It wasn't his place, even if he and Phil were well on their way to becoming fast friends.

He hadn't meant to be nosy, really he didn't. For the first few days he didn't want to know anything about the supposed lover. He'd already decided it wasn't his business and if the raven haired male wanted him to know about it he would tell him. That state of mind all changed only when Phil had a nightmare about a week into their stay together, his tossing and turning had woken up his younger roommate and before Dan could muster up the strength to get up Phil had let out muffled rendition of a name that Dan thought was 'Adam' or 'Alan' or something of the sort. When Dan had woken him up, he only cast a sad smile towards his wrist and shook his head, thanking Dan for waking him up. 

That was the only reason Dan became curious about what really happened to his friend's first love. It was also the only reason Dan purposely started making a habit of making hot chocolate before bed for the two of them, a cure for nightmares as his mother used to call it. Phil accepted the mug without question the first time Dan made it, and now every time he started showing signs of tiredness he would always cast Dan a knowing look, at which point Dan would make an excuse about wanting coca and exit to the small kitchen attached to their room. He told himself again and again that it was for the mental health and well-being of his friend.

What else could it be, after all?

-

"Come on Dan, we have to get out of here at some point. You can't spend the remainder of your days underneath the bed sheets." Phil told him, sounding exasperated. Dan laughed, more because of how dirty that came out as opposed to what his roommate actually meant.

It only took a few moments for him to be through laughing, which he noted made Phil blush and declare something along the lines of, 'I meant sleeping!' So he did realize how wrong that came out. He was learning. "I can and I will." He declared with a small smile, burrowing further under the covers to prove his point.

"This is your first time on your own and you want to spend it doing the same thing you did at home? Come on, live a little!" Phil commanded, although he sounded entertained.

"You just want to go for a walk, how much living is that?" Dan countered, peeking out from under his blanket fortress to look at his friend with a raised eyebrow.

"More than what you're doing. Come on, I'll buy you some bubble tea." He offered, and yeah that was a pretty good bribe apparently because it was enough to get him out of bed, groaning in complaint all the while.

"You owe me." He muttered softly, not really meaning it. He grabbed some clothes from the closet, deciding that the same clothes he had been wearing for two days needed to be changed.

"You're going to have fun, stop complaining." Phil laughed in reply as Dan pushed into the bathroom to get ready.

A half hour later, and they were walking down the road towards the shops. Dan had his hands shoved in his jean pockets, looking around at the people scurrying around. Mostly business men, all of whom had mastered the look of, 'I'm running late, don't talk to me' as if anyone would actually want to talk to them. He let out a sigh when he realized that he was going to be just like that someday. Did he even really want to be a lawyer?

Phil must have noticed he was starting to look discontent, or as Dan preferred the beginning stages of an existential crisis, because he gave him a knowing smile and grabbed his arm, leading him over to a random shop and pulling him inside before either of them could get a look at the name. Anything to get away from his future, he guessed. It turned out to be a secondhand clothing store, and everything inside of it looked like something his grandmother could pull of wearing, but the laugh that sounded in his ear from Phil was enough to calm him down- if only just a little.

They end up leaving the store with nothing more than two horribly ugly sweaters- Phil claimed they were for an ugly sweater party he was going to drag Dan to at a later date, and a purple sunhat because Phil had laughed so hard he choked when he put it on Dan while he was searching through the aisles so they definitely had to buy it even though there was literally no practical use for it and they were probably going to have to explain it to one of their more nosy friends at some point along the way. Phil had brushed both of those comments away with a bright grin, and Dan couldn't say no. It was pretty funny anyway.

 

When Dan woke up one morning- late, as usual- and found a little red tally mark on his wrist, his heart stopped beating momentarily. The sun was shining in through the window, and he was sure that there was heavy rock music playing in the dorm next to his, but he couldn't focus on anything but that little red line, which shattered his whole world.

He didn't know when his hand finally moved, finally grabbed his cell phone from the pocket of his jeans- which resided on the floor- and called his friend from back home, frantic. The voice on the other line had done nothing but laugh, and explained to him that this was a good thing and he should be thankful this finally happened. Despite the encouragement and the self assured tone, Dan didn't agree. The little red line on his wrist was a horrifying thing. Nothing to be happy about. He was panicking. He knew he was, but he had the right to be. He was in love! He was fucking in love and the person didn't love him back.

He thought he was going to hurl.

The next time Dan realized where he was, his phone was on the floor beside his bed and he was knelled over the toilet, emptying the entire contents of his stomach as he thanked God he woke up late and Phil was no longer in the room- probably having already gone to class with the assumption that Dan would be going to his own a half hour later like he was supposed to. With that thought safely in his mind, he sank to his knees, resting his head on the sink beside the toilet and trying to calm his stomach.

Dan didn't call PJ back until twenty minutes later, after a shower and when he was sure he wasn't going to throw up anymore than he already had. Something told him losing his lunch wasn't going to help solve anything at all. The curly haired friend answered on the first ring, and didn't mention their little departure earlier, so Dan counted his blessings. At least there was one decent thing happening today, even if that one thing that happened was that his friend didn't mention he totally barfed.

"So who's the lucky guy?" PJ asked, and Dan could actually picture the smile his friend must be having on his face right about now. He let out a soft sigh, wishing he felt as happy.

Dan thought about it, and the fluttery feeling came back. It wasn't like how books described it, and it wasn't like how Dan had pictured it before today. It was like butterflies, as often described by every sappy romance novel ever. But the feeling wasn't entirely pleasant. Like the butterflies were all fighting to escape out his throat or against his stomach walls, and bringing with them a slightly sickening feeling to Dan, one that made it hurt to swallow, and even just simple breaths were becoming a little problematic. That might just have been the panic, though, and might not have been a normal response. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to settle his stomach before another upset happened.

"Phil." Dan breathed out the name softly, like if he said it too loud the entire world might hear him. Expose him more than the stupid mark on his arm already had.

"Your roommate? I guess that means you've already been to his room. It's a start." Dan could tell his friend was just trying to help, but he definitely wasn't, and that was a problem because if his friend couldn't make him feel any better who was going to?

After several minutes of PJ trying to convince him to 'just tell him' and Dan profusely saying 'it's a bad idea, PJ, he doesn't even like me back' the brunet said a goodbye to his friend feeling no less nervous than he had when the damn mark showed up and ruined everything. He got ready for his second class of the day, he was already late for his first and he knew very well that even if he tried to go, he'd just end up standing out there until the class ended before making a run for another hallway so no one noticed he'd been doing it, a special thanks to his extreme anxiety for that one. Making it impossible to do simple human activities one extreme embarrassing moment at a time.

He got dressed without ever looking at the stupid mark on his wrist. Just another symbol of Dan failing. He couldn't even fall for someone who liked him back. How pathetic could he get? Some part of him wanted to be angry at Phil, he was the one who reminded Dan he couldn't hate something he didn't believe in. If he kept not believing in it maybe this wouldn't have happened. Denial, denial, denial. He quickly denied the thought, shaking his head. It wasn't Phil's fault, and it wouldn't be fair to blame him when the only thing he was guilty of was being too hard not to fall in love with. He let a small sigh push past his lips, closing his eyes and counting to ten to push any bad ideas out of his head. He didn't want to think about this. Ever again.

Of course, the moment he had that thought a new thought pushed his way to the front. This was his first love. He knew that, of course. He wasn't a moron. But this was the moment where it really hit him that this was it. This was going to be one of those things that he thought of with a nostalgic feeling when he was in a retirement home. Wasn't your first love supposed to be important and memorial? It was just Dan's luck that the memories of his first love was going to be a lot of pining and winding up alone. He gave the little mark a final glare before tugging on a few band bracelets to cover it. He hadn't worn so many since he was 15 and going through one of the phases where he wore every single one of his bracelets every single day even though they came up to his elbows, and he nearly laughed when he saw himself in the mirror, imagining how his 15 year old self would be coping with this. Probably hiding under his blankets for a week listening to sad music. Like, Simple Plan type music.

He ran a hand through his hair with a small frown. That sounded like a pretty good idea, actually. It wouldn't solve anything, and it wouldn't do much to make him feel better, but at least the blankets were warm. He could pretend nothing had changed for a little while. He cast a look over to his bed before shaking his head, thinking better of it and making his way out of the dorm before he could change his mind. Phil would think it was suspicious if Dan spent a week in bed and he didn't want the other male questioning him too much. He didn't know what kind of answer he could give, because the truth definitely wasn't an option. He didn't want pity from anyone, especially not Phil. He could just imagine Phil feeling guilty for not loving Dan back, and that's not what he wanted. It wasn't Phil's fault. People couldn't help how they felt, case in point being the stupid mark on Dan's wrist when up until two months ago he vehemently claimed he didn't believe in love. This made him a liar, didn't it? He supposed so, but then again he pretty much was.

"I hate love." He muttered to himself as he headed towards his class. At least that part was still the truth.

-

The next week went similar to the first day, in the way where it was absolute hell and he spent most of his time trying to keep his wrist covered. At one point he thought a girl had noticed it through the bracelets and just before he could freak out she'd given him a smile and complimented him on his Muse bracelet. Despite it just being a false alarm, the mini heart attack he'd been given over it made him opt to change from bracelets to sweaters and hoodies. Despite the fact it wasn't cold enough to need them, he just brushed off any questions with a reply that he got cold easily. Not the truth by a long shot, but he was still at the denial stage of... whatever this was. Some sort of weird relationship? Completely one sided, judging by the fact his line was red- a fact that hadn't stopped hurting over the past week. Phil didn't love him back. Fucking hell, the fact that he knew that didn't make it easier to swallow. Like, at all. He half-thought that he would prefer not knowing. He spent most of his time trying not to think about it.

One bright side to everything, the only bright side that the brunet could actually think of, was that once the mark appeared on his wrist, things became so much more... clear. He wondered if that was what happened to everyone, or if he was just one of those people who had to be slapped in the face to realize what was going on. 

Like, for instance, how his heartbeat quickened ever so slightly when Phil smiled. Or how he always seemed to lean closer to the older male when they were playing video games, until their legs were brushing on the couch even though there was so much space that could have been between them. Before the mark, Dan usually brushed them off with simple explanations that could have been acceptable. His heartbeat quickened because he was laughing at something Phil said, which was why he was smiling in the first place. They were sitting so close together so they could elbow each other while playing Mario Kart. How else were they supposed to get each other to lose focus? But now, now Dan realized that those kind of excuses weren't true. It was a weird realization, and he probably would have tried to deny it if the truth wasn't right in front of his face. Or well, written on his wrist.

That being said, despite everything Dan found it extremely weird how easy it was to accept he was in love with Phil, considering how much he hated the idea of love. How much he grew up pretending it didn't exist. All of that seemed like it was someone else now. He didn't mind love, if it would always come with the warm feeling that came over him when he looked at Phil. He liked to think he wouldn't be that sappy romantic person, but this was different. It had to be different. Because this love, it didn't feel like one of those romance novels. He didn't constantly think about how much he wanted Phil. Once he figured out a way to hide the mark, he could function through classes without being distracted every five seconds by daydreams of Phil coming to his rescue like the heroine in those stupid books. There wasn't much change in his day, other than the fact he both looked forward to and dreaded coming home each day for the exact same reason. That reason came in the form of Phil Lester. But that was okay.

It was okay because they still talked together, they still laughed and joked about the stupidest things. Dan still stayed up until three in the morning on Tumblr showing Phil posts he thought were funny, and Phil still countered by showing him pictures of cute animals doing people things. He still made Phil hot chocolate before they went to bed, and Phil had started to return the favor by making breakfast some mornings when he thought Dan would particularly need it. They were comfortable together. They were happy.

And sometimes, that was enough.

But other times, it really hit Dan what was going on. The warm feeling would turn to ice in his chest and he would have to take a moment to really think about this. This wasn't a relationship. He shouldn't be happy right now. Phil didn't love him back, and this was all he was ever going to get out of his first love. While he was happy to be with Phil, there were moments- usually after Phil said something particularly dorky or weird but somehow still cute-when he really wanted to kiss him. Or cuddle in bed while they were laughing at each other. He wanted to tell their origin stories under the blankets, laughing and crying together but it was okay. Sometimes, he could even picture days like that. They could be in the kitchen, and Dan would imagine Phil kissing him against the counter before he could even stop the thought. Or they'd be at a movie theater watching whatever movie was playing that day and he would find himself imagining that he could reach over and grab Phil's hand if he wanted, before realizing Phil would probably react in a bad mixture of confusion and disapproval. Those moments hit hard, because those moments weren't meant to be this time around.

Or maybe any time around. What if this was going to be his only love? People his age usually were already past their first love. He'd already been behind, maybe he was stunted. Maybe this was his one shot and it turned out red. There would really be no one to blame for it. Phil couldn't help not loving him, and Dan sure wasn't going to try to guilt him into it. No meant no, and the fact that his wrist was red was a big enough no for Dan to realize he was screwed, and that his first- and possibly only- love wasn't going to love him back. Those moments were the worst. Dan would have preferred to never have fallen in love as opposed to this. But never once would he blame Phil. He was going to take this bitterness like a champ, as opposed to whining and blaming others. In the end, maybe there was a lesson somewhere in there.

 

It took Phil all of nine days to figure out something was wrong. Dan would have probably been more offended had he not been trying so hard to make Phil think he was still okay. That nothing was wrong. That his life as he knew it hadn't just been completely thrown out off a damn cliff and he wasn't questioning everything he'd been thinking for the past 18 years. When Phil finally did notice something was wrong, it was when they were sitting on the couch, like any other day. He was talking about his family wanting him to visit them this weekend, and how they were so excited for a family dinner. Apparently Phil's older brother was going too, and bringing along his new girlfriend who Phil had been friends with in high school. He hadn't spoken to her in years, and so this was a good time to reconnect and see how the other was doing. It was shaping up to being a fun night for them.

"As long as she doesn't turn out to be a serial killer." Dan laughed, it was meant to be taken as a joke, but when he realized Phil wasn't laughing he turned his attention away from the next episode of their latest anime to look at him.

Phil was already looking at him, a thoughtful expression on his face as he eyed Dan. For a moment Dan thought the older male had taken him seriously about his brothers new girlfriend possibly being a serial killer, and he was a half second away from calling him a twat when the question was asked. "Hey Dan, are you alright?"

It hung in the air for a moment, Dan's earlier reply dying on his lips. He hadn't been expecting that, and it momentarily made his mind decide to take a vacation. "Y-yeah I'm fine. Why?" He asked, settling for that reply. Playing dumb was his best shot right now and he knew it.

"Since when do you wear sweaters?" Phil asked with a raised eyebrow. He didn't sound as cheerful as he had a moment ago, and the knowledge made Dan worry. Come on, don't let him find out now. Not when they were having such a good time together. This wasn't fair!

The panicked look that had to be written on his face didn't seem to soothe Phil's fears. Instead, Dan could see a flicker of worry in Phil's eyes that made his heart clench. He didn't like Phil feeling worried about him. Before he could comment on it, it was gone and was replaced with a slightly determined look that made the brunet realize he wasn't going to get out of this without Phil finding out exactly what he wanted to know.

That didn't mean he wasn't going to try, of course. He pushed the panic aside and instead set the nicest smile he could muster onto his face. "I've been getting cold, it's better than wearing a blanket to all of my classes." He replied, trying to brush it off with a shrug. He didn't think it went as smoothly as he planned it to.

Phil didn't seem to be buying it. Not in the least if his little frown was anything to go by. "You told me you don't like long sleeves." He informed hesitantly and damn, he did say that didn't he? Why would Phil even bother to remember that? It seemed like such a useless fact both then and now.

A logical part of his brain told him that maybe he should just say it, because this was starting to get painfully awkward. That part of his brain didn't seem to want to connect with his mouth though, so instead what he told his roommate was, "Opinions change?" But the words came out more like a question than the statement he'd been going for. 

Phil looked at him with a look Dan couldn't quite place, something along the lines of fear and disappointment. It wasn't particularly something he enjoyed seeing on his friends face- especially not the friend he was in love with. "Dan show me your wrist." He demanded, his voice soft.

There is was. Dan could actually hear his world imploding around him. He stood up, much too quickly, already heading for the door before an actual plan was formulating in his mind. The only thing he was thinking of was getting out of his conversation. Postponing the inevitable if not getting rid of it completely. Now he just needed to figure out a way to do that. "No."

Phil should have tried out for track and field.

Hell, he could have tried out for any sport and made the team with how fast he moved after that single word left Dan's mouth. It hadn't even fully managed to make it past his lips before his back hit something soft, which he realized to be the mattress when his brain managed to connect with the rest of his surroundings a moment later. His arms were pinned above his head and he had a very intimidating looking Phil straddling his waist- which in any other situation might have been a lot more awesome than it was right now. In this moment, it completely sucked. Big time. Especially when he felt Phil tug down the sleeves of his sweater- much to the brunet's distress.

The intimidating look vanished after that. It was replaced with a mixture of confusion and relief. Whatever he expected to see- the little red mark definitely wasn't it. He'd been expecting something a lot more distressing- which Dan realized after a moment of confusion himself, and the thought made him feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for worrying his friend like that. What kind of friend did that to someone? Hell, what kind of person made the person they love think something so bad? He hadn't known that was where Phil's mind went though. How could he have? Logically, he was much more worried about his own problems to really think about the way his friend was reacting to his words. Next time, he should probably give that a try. It might do him some actual good instead of putting him in another mess like this.

With realization, came guilt to both parties. While Dan was mentally kicking himself for letting Phil think the worst for his friend, the raven haired male in question had a look screaming remorse written on his face. If Phil swore, Dan was sure he'd be doing in now. Instead, his friend seemed to settle for. "Oh my God. Dan, I'm so sorry." Dan didn't know if he meant for tackling him or for the mark itself but either way he flinched.

"Can you maybe get off me?" He asked in reply, not really wanting to have this conversation with his back pressed into the pillows. That was not the way this was going to end. Otherwise, the line would be black and not the disgraceful color that currently marred his skin.

Phil blushed- turning the color of a firetruck as he scrambled off his trapped comrade. He reach out a hand to grab Dan's, pulling the latter into a sitting position so they were both upright, Phil crossed legged and Dan sitting on his knees. For a moment, neither of them breathed. Neither wanted to be the first one to speak for fear of upsetting the other, and Dan made a momentary wish on every birthday candle and shooting star he'd ever been in the presence of to just start this day over, or even just the hour. No such luck. Wishes must not work that way. Which he thought was bullshit considering he didn't get the pony either. Someone owed him a refund on those wishes.

Dan opened his mouth to speak, but closed it when nothing came out. His mouth wasn't seeming to want to make any noises other than the one his teeth made when they clicked together as it shut. His heart was pounding much too fast and his stomach was clawing at itself, making uncomfortable knots in his stomach. What was he supposed to do now? Phil knew. The one person he was trying to keep this from more than anyone, and he just found out because he was being an overly concerned friend. Friend being the key word there.

Phil broke the silence first. "I'm sorry I know how hard it is to get a red line." He apologized quickly, eyes downcast. "I can see why you wanted to hide it. I shouldn't have done that."

"It's okay. You were trying to be a good friend." Dan assured him quickly. He didn't like that. Phil wasn't just feeling guilty for it, he was pitying Dan. Who would want pity like that?

"No matter how good my intentions were, I still just outed you before you were ready. That's not very friend-like of me."

"It's alright Phil. I forgive you." I love you.

A few more moments of silence passed between the two of them, the unspoken words dangling on the edge of Dan's tongue, but not quite managing to push themselves over the edge. Phil was again the one to break the silence, and Dan couldn't tell if he was glad for it or not. "So, who is it?"

Not for the first time that day (or even that hour, let's be honest) his brain stopped working completely. Phil wanted to know who the line was for. He hadn't put together why Dan was so intent on hiding it from him, he just thought he didn't want pity. He should tell him. Right now. Phil wouldn't judge him for it. He would know Dan couldn't help it. He'd find out anyway. He would be disappointed if Dan lied to him. It wouldn't be worth it in the long run. If they talked about this now, they might still have a chance of saving their friendship. Dan would rather have a friend than nothing at all.

You. "Logan Heisman." He blurted out before he could stop himself. It came out choked, forced. His brain hadn't wanted to say that. But apparently Dan had a problem with accepting instant gratification over the long run.

Dan couldn't tell if Phil looked disappointed or if it was another look of pity. "Do you know him from class or is he from your home town?" He asked curiously, seeming unable to help himself. Phil was always kind of nosy. Until now, that hadn't been a problem.

"He's in my Law class." Lie.

Phil shook his head, a small sigh pushing past his lips. For a few moments, he looked a lot more wise and sad than he had at any other point in their friendship. It was an odd look on his usually happy-go-lucky friend. He didn't think he liked it. "I'm sorry Dan. Really, really sorry."

The way he said it was enough to make Dan's throat clench, and he could feel the lump in it which was too much to swallow. If speaking had been hard before, it was now downright painful. He felt like he might cry, in all actuality. Which was something Dan Howell never did. Existential crisis? All the way. Actually crying? Not likely. God, what was happening to him? Better question, what was Phil Lester doing to him?

"Is it going to get better?" He found himself asking in a quiet voice, unable to meet Phil's eyes when he asked. He didn't like the idea of looking into the eyes of the man he loved as he asked a question about him. Especially not when Phil didn't know it was about him. The younger male was afraid if he looked up his eyes would give it all away.

Phil didn't answer him at first, and for a moment Dan wondered if he'd been too quiet for the older man to hear. But the idea was shot down when Phil cleared his throat to speak. "Yeah. It gets better. Takes some time, but it gets better. I promise."

For a moment, Dan almost believed that.

-

A few days later, and he was looking up at Phil's childhood home from the gravel driveway. Somehow, he'd been roped into coming to that family dinner Phil had been so excited for. His friend claimed it was because he didn't want to go alone, but something else told him that Phil was trying to help get Dan's mind away from his supposed love Logan. If Phil only knew. This dinner was definitely not going to be getting his mind off of anything.

"Come on Dan, they're not going to bite you." Phil's voice called, breaking through Dan's thoughts and making him look up. He gave a small little smile and nodded, following him up the steps to the door.

"I'd hope not, that would be weirder than I think I could handle at a family dinner party." He declared as Phil knocked on the door before pushing it open without waiting for a response.

Before Dan could ask, Phil gave him a slightly sheepish smile. "Last time I forgot to knock I walked in on my mum vacuuming without a shirt. Knocking is the way to tell people to be decent or pick a room to hide in." He explained. 

Dan laughed, loudly, at that. "You saw your mum without a shirt? That's gotta be scarring." He said in condolence as he looked around the room. It was a nice place, but Dan was much more interested in the assortment of family photos the Lester's seemed to have lying around everywhere. It was like a museum of the Lester family's life.

"It was even more scarring that my friend said she was hot." Phil admitted with a small shrug, although the look on his face didn't match the calmness the shrug suggested. He actually looked embarrassed even now. Which was funny, actually.

"What did you do? Defend her honor?" He guessed with a small grin as he tried to picture a teenage Phil getting himself into a situation like that. Somehow, based on some of the stories he'd been told by the older male, he didn't think that was very shocking.

"I told him to go home and I haven't spoken to him since." Phil admitted, looking down at his shoes in attempt to hide the redness in his cheeks that Dan could still see very clearly. He would have commented on it, too.

But before he could his attention was diverted away by a woman calling Phil's name from one of the doorways- Dan assumed it was the kitchen. The woman, who he assumed had to be Phil's mum pulled the older male into a hug, which he returned enthusiastically without a moment of hesitation. Phil really was a fan of hugs at pretty much all times of the day, something which Dan had been the recipient of enough times to know it firsthand. This woman didn't seem to mind as much as the time Dan did when he'd unexpectedly received one while they were playing video games and it made his kart swerve off the mountain. Phil had totally done it on purpose, whether he admitted to it or not. Dan still wasn't over that. But to be fair, he was totally a cheater and didn't deserve to come in first place. Especially not on Dan's favorite map, that was a low blow.

"Oh Phil, who's this?" She asked, and Dan blinked in surprise. Had Phil not told his parents that he'd invited Dan? He didn't want to intrude Phil's family dinner. He new that Phil's brother was bringing his girlfriend, but Dan was just a friend, and that was different.

Phil smiled, looking at his friend in such a bright way that it somehow managed to soothe a bit of the worries he could feel beginning to rise in his chest. "This is my roommate, Dan." He explained, gesturing to the brunet.

"Oh so this is the Dan you talk so much about. I should have known you'd be bringing him." She replied with one of those looks that mothers often got when they knew something no one else did. She directed her attention to Dan. "Don't worry, we've got plenty." She told him, as if she knew he'd been worried.

"Thank you." He mumbled softly, giving her a slightly sheepish smile, one that was met with a bright one that looked all too familiar- so that was where Phil got it.

He realized, belatedly, that he probably should have asked Phil if his parents had known he was going to be there, but the thought hadn't crossed his mind. Why would it have? There was no reason for it to cross his mind that Phil was going to smuggle him in without telling anyone. Despite that, dinner went great. Martyn (Phil's older brother) talked about his new job, and his girlfriend was sweet. Dan noticed that her only mark was a small scar, and that meant the two weren't really in love. Not yet anyway. Not that it was really surprising, Phil said they'd only met a month ago. Most loves didn't happen at first sight, and the ones that did usually fell through or were one-sided anyway. Their love so far was just puppy love, and would have to build up to the real thing. Until that happened, they wouldn't have a mark. Dan found himself hoping they did. They made a nice couple.

Once dinner was cleared and they had moved the gathering to the living room, Dan got a view of the photos for the second time that night. The pictures were all so different, some were school pictures, others were taken indoors and even more were taken at some sort of day trip type of place. One particular one of a nine or ten year old Phil standing in front of a lion enclosure at a zoo made Dan smile, wondering if Phil had always had such an obsession with lions.

Martyn must have caught him staring because he laughed. "Hey Phil, isn't that the time a lion kept jumping at the glass to try to eat you?" He asked, raising his eyebrow at his younger brother.

Phil seemed to actually pout at that, a motion which looked all too childish to be a grown mans face. "He didn't want to eat me! We were playing a game."

"If it weren't for that layer of plexiglass you would have been lion food."

"He wouldn't have eaten me, he was my friend." Phil argued, crossing his arms. Dan couldn't tell if this was a serious argument or not, and that was a bit sad. Who got into an actual argument over a zoo lion? The answer, of course, was Phil Lester.

He smiled in amusement, for a moment feeling completely comfortable. This family was so nice and loving, even during an argument. Somehow it didn't surprise him though, Phil was a part of this family, so it couldn't be a bad one. Phil turned out too brilliant for that. He glanced over to Phil, watching the way he reacted to things was always interesting. His eyes were always so bright, filled with emotion at all times. It was probably weird that he noticed the way Phil's eyes changed with each emotion he had. But then again, Dan apparently loved the guy so maybe it wasn't that weird after all.

"So what's the deal with you guys? Are you dating, or what?" He heard Janie, Martyn's girlfriend, ask. Her tone wasn't judgmental, just curious. Dan couldn't even be mad at her for asking that way, which was just his luck.

He tore his gaze away from Phil to look at her wide-eyed. He blushed a little, trying to find a way to deny her question without giving himself away. Words suddenly were hard to form as he thought about it though, and before he could get very far into his thoughts Phil answered. "No, we're just friends."

That shouldn't have hurt so much to hear, even if Dan knew exactly why it did. He would have liked to think he had more control over his emotions than this. But in reality, he held his emotions about as well as a stereotypical teenage girl who had a crush. Which was pretty bad, even he had to admit. He didn't think that was his fault though, Phil was just too perfect for any part of that to be fair. Dan wondered how many other people had been in his shoes. Phil was too great not to have left some broken hearts along his way, even if he didn't know about them. He'd never do it on purpose, but that didn't mean it didn't happen. Just like with Dan...

"You brought him to a family dinner." Janie pointed out, raising an eyebrow at him like she was a detective waiting for an answer. Dan decided to let Phil continue answering, he didn't think he would be able to come up with answers as fast as Janie could questions, and the thought of accidentally announcing his unrequited love for Phil in front of his family was what he wanted to happen tonight.

"We're pretty good friends, and it's not very fun to be on a public bus all alone." Phil countered, not seeming to be phased by the questions. Why would he be? Dan was the one with a secret. Phil had actually done this to be a good friend. Which was sweet, even if Dan couldn't help but be disappointed. He should stop being so excited and getting his hopes up, it was unbecoming.

She sent a look between the two of them, and Dan tried his best not to give anything away. He didn't know how he would do that, but the way she was looking at him was like she could see through his soul, and he almost felt like she knew. How? His body language? His eyes? Was she a psychic? Was she reading his mind right now? Dan mentally shook his head. That was completely nuts. She couldn't possibly know about the mark on his wrist, much less that it was because of the raven haired male sitting next to him on the couch. Dan was being paranoid. She had been doing nothing more than following a hunch that wasn't quite right. Dan had to give her props for trying though, even if the girl had given him a mini heart attack. He doubted that she meant to do it though. She thought that they were dating, not that Dan was secretly in love with Phil.

Apparently she must not have found what she'd been hoping to see, because she let out a soft sigh of defeat and shrugged her shoulders. "I just thought it was a little odd." She muttered in a much quieter tone. She sounded a little disappointed, and Dan couldn't help but wonder why. What part of her would care if he and Phil were actually dating? He didn't understand it. He knew why he wished they were dating, but it didn't really affect her too much. So what was the point?

On the way home from the dinner (which had been much more pleasant than Dan had thought, even if it did nothing to get his mind off his mark like Phil had been hoping) he decided to ask, because he didn't see a reason not to. If Phil knew, then the curiosity would be settled, and if he didn't know there was no harm in asking. At least, that's what he'd thought. The slightly sad look that cast over Phil's face for a moment told a different story.

The look was gone before Dan could do anything about it, although he didn't know what he could have done other than apologized a million times and given him a hug. "She thinks that I'm running out of chances. I guess she must have liked you." He replied, and for a moment Dan wondered what he was missing out on, because that didn't make much sense to him.

"What do you mean running out of chances?" Dan asked curiously, tilting his head to the side.

Phil shrugged, the usually casual gesture looking more jerky than normal. "She read some study that suggested that after the first three loves, you start to stop feeling as much of a connection with the others. More likely to fall out of love or something, I guess. I didn't buy it, but she has it in her head that if my next love isn't the one, that I'm going to die alone."

Dan thought about that for a moment. By those standards, even if he ever stopped loving Phil, he still had two more chances to find love. It was a slightly comforting thought, even though he knew it couldn't be true. He couldn't see himself ever loving anyone as much as he loved Phil. Which sucked, but it was a truth he was going to have to accept. If most people got three tries, then Dan was cheated and he deserved some kind of condolence prize. Preferably a big one, like a car or a house.

"So it's like three strikes and you're out?" Dan asked, tilting his head to the side. He couldn't even begin to picture Phil dying without a love. He was too sweet and kind of a person for that. No, he would get a happy family and a house with a picket fence. The whole shebang. He didn't care how long it took, Phil would find his perfect love.

"I guess so. I better be pretty careful who I fall in love with next time." Phil nodded, momentarily looking over at Dan with a smile that said something the brunet couldn't place- but whatever it was, it was sad.

"Yeah, don't fall in love with George Clooney, he's never going to settle down." Dan joked, elbowing Phil lightly with the plan of breaking any remaining tension the conversation had started with. The laugh signaled that it must have worked.

"He's a bit too out there for me. I just want someone who plays video games with me and doesn't think I'm wasting my degree." He admitted playfully.

Dan rolled his eyes, although he was grinning at his friend's reaction. "Wow Phil, a whole two things. That's some pretty high standards you got there. How is anyone supposed to meet them?"

"Shut up." He laughed, that perfect sort of laugh where he also stuck out his tongue a little bit without even noticing and usually was accompanied by him shoving Dan a bit. It was Dan's favorite kind of laugh, if he had to pick one. "I have standards, I just try not to be too picky from the start."

"So you like to get a crush on someone and then judge them from there? How's that been working out?" Dan asked curiously, raising an eyebrow.

"Not so well. I'm apparently pretty bad at relationships."

Dan smiled. "I doubt that. You're too nice to be bad at relationships." He informed Phil without even realizing what he was saying. Once the words were out though, he couldn't make himself regret them.

Phil smiled warmly. "Thanks Dan, that was really sweet." He murmured seriously.

"Well don't sound so surprised Phil. I can be nice sometimes." Dan laughed softly, earning a small snort from Phil.

"That's not what I meant, I just, no one's ever put so much faith into me before. Especially without hesitating at all." He explained, and that thought made Dan want to personally fight everyone who had ever told Phil he couldn't do something. Phil Lester could do whatever he wanted, and there was no exception to that rule other than flying. Otherwise, none.

"What about that guy you loved?" Dan asked, curiosity getting the better of him before he could think to stop his brain from speaking of it. The moment they made it past his lips, though, he realized his mistake and flinched. "Sorry."

Phil shook his head, and although Dan was pretty sure he royally fucked up by asking that question (seriously, what kind of friend does that?) but it didn't really show on Phil's expressions. He seemed just as calm as he did when he told Dan he was heading off to class, not like someone had just asked him about his dead ex. Seriously, he was a terrible friend. He deserved to have his friendship card revoked and then burned somewhere. They should literally make friendship cards a thing just so Dan's could be taken away for that purpose. Another apology was already forming past his lips, along with about a million others because he didn't know why he did that, and he was so sorry, and Phil should hit him so they'd be almost even, but before any of those statements could leave his mouth Phil gave him a look that made him fall short.

He looked as normal as he could, it was just something in his eyes that seemed... off. Like the entire thing was a practiced ease and he was just showing off how normal he could look in a time like this. Not that Dan would be able to blame him for that, after all it seemed like he had really struck a nerve, which once again made him feel like he was the absolute worst friend in the world. There were a lot of things you just didn't bring up to someone, and their dead ex was probably at the top of the list right after their mother's sex life, because that was also a pretty terrible one to talk about.

"He was... different. He supported me, I guess. In his own way. But it just wasn't the same." Phil replied, and it occurred to Dan that this was the first time he was actually getting information about the person that Phil used to share a heart with. "Like... he thought supporting someone also meant telling them when you thought they couldn't do something, which I mean, he was trying to help but it kind of hurt I guess."

Dan nodded, he could understand that. He had friends who thought the same way, and while sometimes it was appreciated (rarely, but sometimes) he would prefer if they just told him that he could do whatever made him happy. Because what was this life even supposed to be about if you weren't happy? This thing he was doing right now, that didn't make him happy. But until he could find something that did, it was what he had, and he hated it. He wanted to know his friends would support him through the moments when he was trying to find his happiness. Like Phil did.

"You want to know what happened to him, don't you?" Phil asked, his eyes seeming to go down to look at anything that couldn't look back at him.

"Not if you don't want to tell me." Dan replied, which was the truth because he didn't want to know anything unless Phil was willing to tell him, if he pried for more information than Phil was comfortable with he wouldn't forgive himself.

"No... it's okay. I mean, I told myself I was going to tell someone. Telling you wouldn't be bad." Phil informed him quietly, and Dan could physically hear the nervousness of his tone anyway.

He didn't ask what made him so special. He didn't want to know. He didn't ask why Phil was planning on spilling his guts on an underground car instead of at home with the comfort of a hot chocolate in his hand, because he didn't want to know that either. All he knew was that Phil needed him to listen and that was what he planned on doing, because he knew this was important. It had to be important if Phil had such a serious look on his face. So instead of wasting time by asking why he was the one who got to hear all the secrets he just sat up so he was facing his friend and nodded his head to show he was listening. Because sometimes, that's what a friend just had to do.

"Then tell me." Dan encouraged, trying not to show how curious he really was. He was sure it was normal for him to want to know, but he didn't think it was okay to show your friend how interested you are in the death of their ex love. That was a little cruel.

Phil took a deep breath, steadying himself for whatever words he planned on saying, and Dan listened in. "He was... different. You saw the town I grew up in. It's small and everyone there is just the same boring person with just one or two things that change about them at all. I was a teenager and I wanted nothing more than to leave that town and do something more with my life. For the longest time, I didn't know I could." Phil explained slowly, and Dan didn't say anything.

"I met him in school, choir class but neither of us actually did anything. I went from being the perfect student in that class to hardly ever singing a note, and when I did it was with different lyrics because he thought it was funny." Phil recalled, and the reminiscent smile on his face made Dan want to hug him.

"When... when I met him I knew that he was bad for me. Not like he was a bad person, because he wasn't. Just, bad for me. It was like someone had taken every dream and wish that I had and put it into an actual person. He was rebellious and funny, he played video games and sang in a band. He was like a dream guy, and the moment I met him I knew I was done for. It didn't really take all that long... and I should probably have been embarrassed by how easy it was to fall for him, but I didn't care. Because my line was black and that meant he loved me too, so why should it matter?"

Dan watched in odd fascination about the way Phil spoke, like he was telling a story to a child about to go to sleep. His voice didn't waver, but it was easy to see that he was having troubles finding the words to say to convey what he was trying to get to. Not that Dan could really blame him, especially if he'd never told a story this important before. This wasn't like an essay, it was something huge about him that he was trying to explain the right way.

"Neither of us really changed, and I think that's the best kind of love. You don't need to change for that person to care about you, they just do. But he made me more like the person I wanted to be. Like, he saw who I was deep down and he helped me dig it out to the light so I didn't have to be that shy, scared kid anymore. I could be myself, and he was right there to save me in case it didn't work out the way I hoped it would. I always had someone to fall back on, and it was comforting like that. It made me feel indestructible." He declared, and he was smiling even if Dan could see the pain in his eyes from even having to mention something like this.

Phil laughed, but the sound didn't sound humorous more than it did pained. "You know, with how often he showed up at might house covered in cuts and bruises from fights, you'd think that would have been the thing that finally did him in. He never knew when to step down from a fight, it was like he was always trying to prove something to someone, and every time he would come back to me with a look that pretty much gave him away before he could come up with an excuse. I never minded it, I always patched him up and we watched a movie afterwards, but it always made me worried something bad would happen to him. But it never did. I don't know if he was just good at it or if he died before the fighting could actually kill him."

Dan bit his lip, and he could feel the nostalgic memories beginning to turn colder by Phil's voice. He knew the other male was getting to the part that was hard to talk about, and without even thinking about it he took Phil's hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. He hadn't meant to do it, but the relieved smile the action earned from Phil made it so he was glad that he hadn't thought about it too much. It was fine, friends did that kind of thing, Phil didn't seem to be too surprised by it.

"He, uh, used to have this car. It was old, nothing really special. Just old enough to be considered out of style but not old enough to be out of style in the good way. But he used to love it." Phil replied with a small smile. "I used to love it too, just because he could actually go places. Out of that town and away from everyone who I was destined to become. We went as far as the gas tank would allow and spend the night some nights, just because he wanted to show me that it was just a town, and that it didn't matter. No one there could choose what happened to me but me. It was supposed to be poetic, I guess. But it mostly just made me feel some sort of pressure off my chest whenever we got far enough away. Sometimes, I never wanted to go back." He said quietly.

"But in the morning he always told me we could do it again whenever I wanted to, and we would pack our things back up and head home, which usually got me grounded for a few days, but my mom never really had her heart into it. She thought I found the guy I would be with forever, and she didn't want to stand in the way of that." He said slowly. "But after it happened I used to wish she did ground me for longer. If she kept me away from him more maybe it wouldn't have been so hard to cope when he was gone... but it wasn't her fault. No one saw it coming, it wasn't like it was something we could have stopped."

Phil was stalling. Dan knew it, it was easy to spot with the way he kept jumping over the real question. The way he squirmed in his seat over some words that he didn't want to push from his mouth. But he didn't call Phil out on it. He just waited, ever so patiently (much more patiently than his usual personality would allow) for Phil to get it all out of his system. He would get to it eventually, Dan knew he would. He just needed to find the words to say to make it not impossible.

Phil took another breath, and Dan knew this was it. He squeezed Phil's hand again. Reassuring, he was still there. "One day, he was out. I can't remember what he was doing, I don't think he told me before he left. Probably the store, somewhere stupid. Something that didn't need to be done. But it was raining, harder than it had all year. He should have stayed home, but he never really cared about the weather- which I guess was why he didn't want me to be a weatherman, he'd actually have to watch it- but even with his lights on it was hard to see. Not just for him. He got hit dead on by some guy who didn't know he was on the wrong side of the road. I saw the mark change, it happened while I was looking at it. I tried to call him but..." he stopped, this time for good.

Dan tensed a little, he knew what Phil meant. He couldn't believe that his friend had gone through that. The panic of seeing your line turn into a scar must have been the worst thing someone could deal with. Watching everything you were hoping for, your entire future, just be destroyed right in front of your eyes and having no idea what had happened. The fear of not knowing, trying to call someone and figure out what had happened but no one being there to answer. It must have been horrifying. Much worse than the person you love just simply not loving you back. So much worse than that or anything else the brunet could even trying conjure up in attempt to equal it out.

He did the only thing he could think of in a time like this, and that was pull his friend into a hug consequences be damned. Friends hugged, especially after something like this. Hell, after something like this enemies would hug. How could you not hug someone after they told you the worst thing that had happened to them in their life? You'd have to be a pretty terrible person.

Phil let out a squeak of surprise, but he didn't hesitate before hugging Dan back. He needed one, it was easy to tell and hard to deny. So why bother attempting to be strong when you didn't have to be? Sometimes, it was okay not to be strong, and this was one of those times where it was more than okay. He buried his face in Dan's shirt, like he was trying to hide from the world and Dan honestly couldn't blame him for that. He was sure anyone in his position would want to hide.

When they got home, Dan made him a cup of coca and they watched movies until Phil could fall asleep.

-

They weren't drunk. They were drinking, heavily he might add because he was less than sober and so he didn't mind admitting it, but that didn't make them drunk. So what if they were? It was legal to drink and they were celebrating the end of the semester. This wasn't one of those sad drinking moments where they were at a bar with their head resting on the bar counter and whatever sticky substance was on it. No, they were at home in their dorm with too many balloons and an 80's movie playing in the background. They were laughing, and having fun. So what was the problem with them being a little... tipsy. Yeah, that was the word. The answer, was none. 

Not even now, when they were both laying on one of their beds, crumpled against each other because the couch had been too cramped. Dan's head was resting on Phil's stomach, and his legs were folded underneath him awkwardly, which kind of hurt but he was too lazy to really want to move them, so they just stayed like that.

"Hey Phil, how do you think our marks know when we're in love?" Dan asked curiously, lulling his head a little and looking up at him. Phil laughed at the moment, it must have tickled.

"I learned about this is anatomy. Apparently, when you're around someone you love you tend to express it physically, like heart rate speeding up and things like that, and at some point humanity evolved to start turning that into our marks, so it would show us who we loved. Well then the human body realized that us knowing didn't do much to help procreation on its own, so it started to pick up on those habits in the people we loved with stuff we normally wouldn't have noticed. Our minds and bodies just adapted to understand things like that."

Dan snorted, raising an eyebrow. "So these cute little love marks were made so cavemen knew who they should fuck to keep the family line going?" He asked bluntly, and for a moment he wondered if he would have phrased it that way if he was more sober.

"Yeah, basically. But you can't really teach that to a second grader so they just said it was magic or something." Phil replied with a small smile on his face at the prospect of kids everywhere knowing how those cute marks showed up on their arms in high school.

"So how does it know when your loved one dies then? Like, I get unrequited and they totally love you, but the mark knows what happened before you do." Dan replied thoughtfully.

Phil seemed to hesitate, and for a moment Dan thought he screwed up by mentioning death again, but when he looked up at Phil he realized his friend just seemed to be trying to recall what he'd been told. Disaster averted, narrowly. But he really needed to start learning when he should just shut up for once. Maybe some other day.

"I think what happened was that the human body made some sort of connection and at first it attributed the great sadness to death of a loved one because it needed the human to understand it was allowed to move on even if they were both still in love, but that got it wrong a lot so evolution began to make the marks more attentive towards the other person and the connection actually bonded some parts of them together emotionally, but in a way you couldn't feel. So it started to get wrong less and less, and now the bond has become so strong you don't even need to be there for it to sense the other person's heartbeat stop because it makes the mark stop sending out its end of the bond."

Dan nodded slowly, trying to process that over in his mind. The human body was a wonderfully magical thing that he really couldn't understand more often than not. "So the bond is just freaking amazing by this point?"

Phil nodded, smiling pleasantly. "Yeah, my professor said that if it kept evolving like this one day we were going to actually be able to feel the bond and the emotions of the loved one." He declared, his hand moving downward absentmindedly and running through Dan's hair. Phil may have had more to drink than Dan had, but he was still sharp enough to remember the origin of love marks so he wasn't drunk yet. At least, not in Dan's mind.

"That would be kinda cool. You could feel happy when the person you loved was happy, and then you could feel their sadness with them so they didn't have to alone." Dan replied with a small smile. "But it would be uncomfortable if you were horny and they were doing something important, I think."

"I don't think it'll actually happen anytime when we're alive anyway. It only recently started being able to show us the death marks accurately, it still has a long way to go."

"I would still love to see someone try to explain that." Dan giggled, moving his head to look over at the clock to check the time. Before he managed to though, something much more important caught his eye in the form of Phil's wrist. He'd taken off his jacket earlier and was done to short sleeves, but this was the first time Dan was close enough to look at his marks.

He had three.

Three marks. One unrequited that he no longer felt, one death mark, and another red one which stained his wrist bright and fresh. Brand new in comparison to the first time Dan met him. Phil was in long again. His third strike, like he'd been told by the trashy magazine. And this one was still unrequited. Dan didn't think he'd ever been so annoyed in his life. Who did Phil love that didn't love him back? What kind of bullshit was that? Dan would have given anything for Phil to love him, and he loves someone else who doesn't think he's worth a mark? How dare they! Didn't they see how amazing Phil was?

Phil must have realized what Dan was looking at because he withdrew his hand, looking slightly wide eyed when he realized he was caught in a much less climactic way than his browned eyed friend had been. Pinning someone to a bed because you thought they were hurting themselves was a much more exciting way to get caught than taking off your sweater because you spilled something fruity on it; although that was true Phil Lester fashion he guessed.

"You got your third mark." Dan said slowly, giving Phil a look that probably looked a mixture of curious and hurt because he wasn't told. Then again, he hadn't told Phil about his so he supposed they were even. Even if Dan had done it because Phil was the person the mark was for, he didn't know that.

Phil nodded his head absentmindedly, playing with the wrist which had caused him so much trouble. "Yeah. A while ago." He admitted, looking a little sheepish.

"Who's it for?" He asked curiously, wanting to know who was throwing away the chance that Dan would have given everything for.

"It doesn't matter. It's red." Phil informed him, and Dan wanted to yell and scream because it did matter. It mattered a lot because it wasn't fair and Dan wanted to know who had the chance to take his place. But he didn't yell. He didn't scream. He was suddenly too tired, too drained, to want to do anything but go to sleep and dream he woke up with his red mark black.

Instead, he just nodded his head, hoping his eyes didn't give away what he was thinking. Hoping his eyes didn't start welling up with unexplained tears that he wouldn't have an answer for. "Their loss, Phil."

Phil didn't look like he agreed, in fact he looked like that sentence tore him apart. Dan sat up, looking at him with the most serious face he could muster. He refused to allow Phil to think he was anything less than perfect.

He didn't know when they started kissing. He really didn't, even when he tried to think of the answer. He didn't know who started it, he didn't know what caused it. He just remembered his back hitting the mattress in an all too familiar way but this time their lips were pressed together in an eager way like they were both looking for something. Dan knew he shouldn't be doing this, but he thought Phil might have been the one to initiate the kiss and he really couldn't make himself pull away. He wasn't strong enough for that- well, emotionally. He knew if he pushed Phil his friend would have stopped within a moment, probably stammering out an apology, but he didn't want to. That was where the problem was forming, but Dan pushed the thought away without a second thought. Why should he care? This was what he wanted.

His hand tangled in Phil's hair, tugging lightly and earning a small noise that he couldn't tell what it meant- but it sounded nice enough to repeat the action. Phil responded by running his hands down the brunet's sides and slipping his hands underneath his shirt. They broke the kiss for a gasp of air, and it ended sooner than it probably could have so Dan assumed neither of them had been planning accordingly. Not that it mattered because a moment later they were kissing again and that wasn't a problem, he didn't really have the urge to stay away for too long. Not in the least. This was the only time he was going to be allowed this moment and he planned on making the most of it.

Phil nipped at his lower lip and he opened his mouth without hesitating for a moment. He allowed Phil to take charge, not feeling an urge to do anything but let Phil explore as he pleased, his leg moving around to hook around the back of Phil's and pull him closer, which the raven haired male did without much disagreement. Not that Dan had really been expecting any, if Phil was having second thoughts about the kiss or anything else they wouldn't be making out on a bed. That was typically the way someone expressed interest in continuing.

Dan's shirt was the first thing to go. It was unnecessary to begin with and by this point he was starting to feel hot so the cool air that brushed over his skin was was appreciated for the few moments that he could feel it before Phil was pressing so close against him that he was hotter than he had been originally. Not that he minded, he thought he liked the heat if this was how it was done. Phil's shirt followed, joining his somewhere on the floor in a heap which could be found when they weren't more busy with better things than worrying about trivial things like clothes.

It wasn't until Phil was kissing his way down Dan's chest that the guilt really started to hit him through the alcohol and lust induced haze he'd had going on. He couldn't do that to Phil whether or not the older male was taking control. He loved Phil, plain and simple. But Phil loved someone else, someone who Dan had just found out about and someone who doesn't love him back. Dan can't use the situation to his advantage like that, it would be cruel, and he would be the worst person ever whether alcohol had started it or not- especially since he might have been the one to kiss Phil first.

"Phil're you sure?" Dan asked breathlessly, no longer able to push away any thought of guilt. He wasn't the person Phil loved. He didn't deserve this and he needed to know that Phil was okay with that. He could make his own decisions, he wasn't a kid, but he needed a rational moment to think them through.

In response, Phil began focusing on making a rather large hickey on his neck, and then all form of rational thought that had been pulling through was absolutely done for. He couldn't help it, and Phil must have realized that too because right after the first one he began working on a second one and Dan let out a small noise of need from the back of his throat. It came out higher than he thought he could even make, if he was being honest for a moment.

Talking became obsolete after that. The only communication that was made was silent or thought noises both of them might deny making the next morning. Phil's hand moved down to exactly the right place, and Dan let out a sharp hiss of breath to explain that he needed those clothes to come off immediately, which Phil had complied with using only a minimal amount of teasing, surprisingly, tugging the dark colored pants down as Dan lifted his hips the best he could in attempt to help him. Being rid of his too tight jeans was a relief that he hadn't been expecting to come so easily.

The mark on Phil's arm became the furthest thing from his mind that night, with the morning right down on that list too.

-

When Dan woke up the next morning, he was all too aware of the warmth of another body laying beside him, even though they weren't really touching they were close enough for him to feel the radiating heat. For a moment, he was just confused by the entirety of it, which was fair because no one thought clearly when they were just waking up. The second thing Dan realized, when he had pushed aside the first thought for the moment, was that his lack of headache made it clear that he hadn't drank as much as he thought he had the night before. The third thing was how relaxed his muscles felt all over.

What had happened? He looked over, and the sight of Phil curled up beside him and lightly clutching at the pillow above him and looking more cute than what was really fair in this moment, how was he supposed to think rationally when he was already beginning to picture waking up with Phil like this all the time? When it registered what was really going on though, that picture perfect scene was all it took to make him remember how badly he fucked up.

He was out of bed (which he vaguely realized was his bed anyway) in an instant, already pulling his clothes back on because trying to run away in nothing more than a pair of boxers only made you look suspicious. His clothes were on in record time- wondering how he didn't manage to get dressed this fast when he was late for a class, and he made a beeline for the door only for a hand to grab his shoulder and cut short any attempts at freedom to a coffee shop where he could think of something to say to Phil when he came back in attempt to salvage their friendship. He turned around to meet Phil's big blue eyes, which he also immediately were filled with hurt and slight panic, and he realized that he was just going to have to wing it from here. Too bad he absolutely sucked at winging it.

There was a brief moment of silence that seemed to drag on for much too long, and Dan realized he couldn't breathe. "You were leaving?" Phil asked, although it didn't really sound like a question to Dan. Questions didn't sound so accusing.

He nodded anyway, his brain trying to figure out something he could say that wouldn't result in Phil being mad at him, or freaked out by him, or upset with him. Nothing came to mind but Dan did realize that Phil was still in nothing more than his boxers, which was pretty much the opposite of something that would make him think. The kicked puppy look he received didn't help much either.

Phil glanced down, and Dan thought that was a lot worse than the kicked puppy look. "I'm sorry I made you upset, I'm sorry I probably took advantage of the situation even though I didn't mean to, but I'm not sorry I love you." Phil said, his voice sounding too quiet and too hurt. It wasn't what Dan had hoped Phil would say when he said he loved him.

Wait. Phil just said he loved him? Dan's eyes widened comically large as he looked at his friend, replaying that sentence over and over in his mind, trying to think of other things his friend could have said but nothing came to mind. Nothing at all. Phil had said that he loved Dan. The younger male's eyes drifted down to his wrist, almost like he expected something to be different, but no. The line was still there, marred red and plain. Nothing had changed. The mark was wrong.

It was impossible. Well, one in about a billion according to all those studies the no name scientists were working on somewhere; but still, that was close enough to impossible that it had never crossed Dan's mind. The mark was wrong. The. Mark. Was. Wrong. The words were like a big "do not compute" sign. Ever since he was a little kid, he'd grown up with those marks declaring who loved you and who you loved. It was some kind of regulated thing, and no one ever questioned it. Cases where a line was wrong weren't even heard of until Dan was around ten, and by that time the idea of them being wrong just didn't seem possible. But now here he was, 18 and in love for the first time with someone who just announced that he loved him back and a red mark on his wrist.

Phil loved him, and the mark was wrong. That knowledge left Dan wide eyed, absolutely frozen in shock as he stared at his friend and though to be unrequited love- who seemed to have come to the realization all on his own just from the way Dan reacted. He had to give him props for that, he knew for a fact he wouldn't have been able to do that all on his own.

"So... you love me?" He heard Phil asked, his voice slow and hesitant like he wasn't sure if he was right. It had to have been that which snapped the brunet far enough out of his daze to nod, which wasn't a proper answer but for that moment it was all he could manage. He was still reeling from the fact that his first love might not be as sad of a story as he thought.

"Yeah." Dan breathed when he could manage a functioning word, a bright grin lighting up on his face without his permission. "Yeah, I love you Phil."

That seemed to be all his friend needed before he was being kissed, this one slower and less frenzied than the ones that had happened the night before. This one was sweeter, almost like Phil was trying to put into a single kiss every piece of relief, and happiness, and love that he had thought he would never have the chance to express. In response, Dan kissed him back the same way, and the last bit of nervousness that had been building inside of him just seemed to melt away as Phil grabbed his shirt loosely in his hands, a silent way of keeping his friend close, one that seemed so involuntary that Dan wondered for a brief moment if Phil even knew he did it. Either way, he didn't think he minded too much. Phil wanting him to stay as close as possible was something he could get used to, especially considering he didn't want to move away any time soon. He had just found out the love of his life loved him too, and he didn't plan on letting that go just yet- if ever.

When they finally pulled away (although not very far, and their lips were still almost brushing because neither wanted to pull away any further) it was because their lungs were planning on bursting if they didn't, and they came apart with labored breaths and small smiles that made their eyes seem brighter. In that moment, it was as if all the negative emotions that had come about since the marks were formed had been nothing but a bad dream, because none of them were there now. They might resurface again later, and both of them knew somewhere deep down that a feeling of euphoria wouldn't last for the rest of their lives- but love, love definitely did.

"You know-" Phil started when he had calmed his breathing down to a normal rate. "I hear that your mark being wrong is supposed to be good luck in the relationship." He declared.

At that, Dan had to laugh. What part of thinking the love of your life didn't love you back was a good thing? "Oh yeah, that sounds awfully superstitious to me." He informed the male in front of him, and his tone must have sounded as disbelieving as he felt.

"No, it actually wasn't. I can't remember who told me, but they said it was because you spent so much time wishing they would love you, that you appreciate it that they do, so you cherish them all the more." Phil explained, and that made sense.

"Well I hope it's good luck." Dan replied, his voice almost too quiet in comparison to how it had been moments before, but he sounded more serious this time too so Phil supposed that was a good sign rather than a bad one. "Otherwise I'm going to be pretty upset over losing you."

"You're not going to lose me, promise." Phil replied, and his friend didn't know if it was the euphoria or the hope that made him want to believe, but he did know the reason he did was out of more trust than he was willing to admit even now.

He could deal with that later. "Okay." He agreed, his smile widening significantly. "So... what do we do now?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Phil smiled, all but dragging him over to the couch, which Dan totally took the wrong way until he was handed a controller, and yeah, that made more sense. "We're going to see who wins at Mario Kart now."

"Our love confession isn't going to stop me from kicking your ass, Phil."

Phil grinned, placing a quick kiss on Dan's lips before starting up the console and TV's bright colors flashed on the screen, which Dan would have noticed had he not been more focused on Phil. "We'll see." The raven haired male declared, lightly shoving him.

This, this was the kind of life he was sure he could get used to.

**Author's Note:**

> My final fic for the Phan Big Bang 2015 everyone! It wasn't as long as I was hoping for, but I am happy with the work and I think adding too much extra would have made it over-the-top and I didn't want that, so after debate I left it the way it was instead of adding anything more.
> 
> Link to the Art:   
> http://jennythedragon.tumblr.com/post/131282792043/hi-friends-this-is-for  
> http://jennythedragon.tumblr.com/post/131282937493/aaaaand-heres-another-one-d-art-22


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